After my horrific (exaggerating) shopping experience, a meat heavy dinner and a relaxing night at home, I came to the decision I am "quitting paleo". It's been just over a year since I've adopted this diet–all on my own, I might add. I've completed two 5 week challenges (voluntarily!) and kept my diet MOSTLY paleo the rest of the time. I've avoided grains, sugars (on and off) and kept my meat/fat/veg intake pretty high. I've gotten my fats from nuts, avocados, healthy oils and animals. I've tried recipes, I've avoided certain social situations and I've cut back on my drinking. Yet here I am, fatter than I was a year ago. I am working out more. I am SO conscious of what I eat, but perhaps to the point of my demise. This obsession with weight loss, this struggle with food is doing no good for my mind or body. I think too much about what I eat, I get stressed out when I "fail" or "cheat", and I truly can't go on living this way. If I look back on my thinner days, you know what? I wasn't even eating paleo. Sure, I don't want sugar in my life daily, I can totally keep that promise. But I can't promise I won't have rice sometimes, quinoa, fucking BREAD here and there. And I DONT wanna feel guilty about it. I want variety in my diet. I want to fucking eat PEANUT BUTTER on my rice cakes in the morning if I have a craving, and I want to do it all without ANY negative feelings. I can't avoid feeling like shit when I gorge on chips or drink my face off. That is my own fault and I can own that (but sometimes it's worth it :). But if I want to make rice pasta one night, I'm going to fucking make it. I want regular potatoes around my roast. I want to make potato wedges sometimes and eat them with ketchup. I miss cheese! MAYBE I want to eat some pad thai. But mostly, I want to increase my raw veg/fruit intake. I am no longer looking at fruit as "bad" or "too much sugar". Fuck that. Fresh fruits and vegetables are beautiful and I will eat them when I FEEL like eating them. Over the past year I have conditioned myself to fear grains, fear "too much fruit", and believe that paleo is the way to go. But you know what? Maybe it's not. Maybe there IS such thing as too much meat/fat. For me. For my body. There is no such thing as a universal diet that works for everyone. Maybe I'm supposed to eat more of a Mediterranean diet? I mean I have roots down there. Maybe That's my thing. NO! I don't want a "thing". I don't want to eat a certain way or label my life. I want to live my life. Enjoy things I enjoy. Eat delicious, nutrient-dense foods. Stay active, physically, mentally, creatively. I don't want to have bad associations with food and I'm sick of guilt. I'm sick of feeling fat and looking at my fat belly in the mirror. Fuck that and fuck your labels. You give your body what it wants, craves, needs. OK not YOU, ME. I am listening to my body from now on and I'm not beating myself up about made-up bad choices. I've decided what I fear and I've created this orthorexic monster, I can own this. But from now on, I will not google whether a food is paleo, or a certain ingredient is paleo. If I want to make a dessert, I will make it to the fullest. Don't get me wrong, I will still make "healthy" treats, I just feel better doing it and like experimenting. But you're god damn right I'm having a piece of cake for a celebration. You're god damn right I'm having some wine with my dinner. Fuck you, eating-style labels, and fuck you internet. (just kidding I love you.)
But here it is.
I am breaking up with paleo. I need a break from this unnecessary stress. I might not look great in a bikini in the summer but what the fuck do you want from my life?! I understand where you come from and I get that it works for lots of people. But I am giving it up for a while, just to see how I feel. See how things go. See if I become lighter in all aspects. It doesn't mean I am pigging out on poutine, it means I am going easy on myself from now on.
What do you think of that?